I got into a dumb-ass fight with my boyfriend last night and now I'm awake with a shame hangover. It's not that I feel stupid because he was right and I was wrong or vice versa, it's more like we fought. We yelled. We kicked some ass. Now what?
Now I have that weird feeling, like I'm a little kid and I just want things to go back to normal but I'm feeling all bashful and shit.
Just in case you think you're being the bigger man (or lady) by Xing someone or staying angry with someone, you're wrong. Forgiveness is the ultimate set of balls. It is the most humiliating act, something that our species really has issues around, and if you can suck it up and apologize with grace and dignity, then I'm officially putting you up on a pedestal.
I'm not talking about my situation here. Obviously we're gonna make up and it will be weird for a minute, probably even weirder because I'm writing this here thingy right now, but since I care about the greater good of the people rather than my own petty bullshit (you're welcome!), I'm taking a lil ol' leap here and risking my own relationship to ask one simple question: how do we forgive?
There's forgiving, there's being forgiven, there's forgetting. It's all in the same stir fry. Is it ever too soon to forgive? Yes. Too late? No, I don't think so. Unless the person has died. Even then, you can visit the grave and make a video like Madonna did with her dead mom. Not sure if that counts but you know what I mean.
I think a big problem is that I think that when I'm forgiving someone, it means I'm letting them off the hook. It means that they didn't do something wrong. I know I hold on to it because of my pride, and my self-entitlement. But really what I end up doing is carrying the weight of anger on me all throughout the day. It effects everything I do. I become almost obsessed with the anger, like it's a high for me.
Actually wait. I'm having an epiphany.
Do I love the anger?
I love the anger.
I don't know. I don't wanna be mad anymore. I actually don't feel mad.
This is too much information.
I'm spiraling now.