FUCK U XMAS (but I like ur card)

Black Eyes. Cold Hearts. Born 2 Lose.

I've been having a really hard time lately, mostly it has to do with work (lack thereof). I'm not sure if this is the sort of thing I'm supposed to admit to the public or not, like does it make me seem less successful/competent? Probably.
It's the lack of confidence that leads to not being as prolific as I would like, and that's just where I'm at. It's a catch 22 because when I get more work it enables me to be more prolific, and as a result I feel better about myself.
When the opposite goes down I feel worthless. I feel like there's no reason for me to even exist and no words of encouragement can fix the feeling. Yeah I'm dramatic and sometimes throw my own pity parties but I don't care.
Not every weekend is a party. Not every outfit is a winner. It's hard for me to write and pretend otherwise.
I know this sounds gloomy. I'm harshing your mellow and being Captain Bringdown.
Let's all complain and close the curtains so no light comes in. Lock the door and sleep all day and don't wear makeup and don't answer the phone and delete yourself from Facebook and when someone tries to cheer you up don't even let them.
Do it now.
Do you feel better?
I do.

Sometimes I feel bad. I'm not gonna let myself feel bad about feeling bad.

(Another thing that helps is listening to this Buzz Bissinger podcast, thanks to my boyfriend for showing this to me).

In happy news, I went to Palm Springs last weekend where it was 107 degrees (I liked it). It was hard to sit in the sun but I managed. I needed to show off my Budweiser bikini. Reason #1 for happiness.


Reason #2: Local cover bands. They played "Boys Don't Cry" and "American Girl." I danced around in circles and pretended I was in an episode of Rosanne.


Reason #3: Gay men. They all live in Palm Springs and they are mostly bears. I went into a sex store called "GEAR" and found this not so subtle lubricant. We also went to a gay club where I drank many a Red Bull to the sounds of Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Madons. T'was totally ruling.

All these photos were taken with my Blackberry because I forgot my camera.

Status Report

Los Angeles has been treating me well. There are some ins and outs I've had to learn, for example, I can't really go anywhere between the hours of 4-7pm (the traffic will make you slit your wrists, plus the fact that the sun is beating down on you and you have to pee).
Hilary and I have been getting in a lot of pool time. The weather has been a dream and I finally figured out (sorta) how to control my hair (the air is really dry).
Here's Hilary being cute.

I wanted to take a picture of my feet because I do believe they are truly stunning.
The other night I went to this bowling alley where they had Karaoke. I was fiending for my peeps because I know we would have gone apeshit. I went apeshit anyway.
I mean, I couldn't not. This guy was there and his name is BLAQUE CHRIS.
Matty and Brian are in The Soft Pack and also, they love each other.
In other news, there are always coyotes (yes that's the proper pluralization) in the backyard and today we saw a deer eating an orange back there. I was too sleepy to take a picture.

We've been having some late night hang out sessions on the patio where we end up laughing too hard and smoking too many cigarettes and getting yelled at by our neighbor the next day. That's a little slice of perfection right there.

There's also a milkshake at the diner I really enjoy: vanilla, honey, and peanut butter.

Fuck I gotta start being more interesting. Will soon. xo

Driving: A Love Story

1. My House, In The Middle Of The Street: Los Angeles is good. Real good. It's quiet and weird and different. It's hard not to pretend that I'm Weetzie Bat up in this Shangri-liscious canyon. We have tons of tiny white lights that sparkle at night all around us. There's an orange tree and an avocado tree and a blue tiled bathtub. Everyday I like to put my bubbles in and open the window and take a bath. I come out smelling like sleepaway camp.




It is sort of like camp here. Mandy is our landlord but she's also like a camp counselor. She's got that camp counselor vibe of knowing how to wear a bandanna or cut her sweatshirt in the cool way. She also makes documentaries, including this classic.

2. Drivin' On 9: Remember when I was so scared to drive? Remember when that was a "thing" for me? It's not anymore. At least not extremely so.
I grew up driving but it was different back then because driving meant FREEDOM. I drove everywhere I possibly could the minute I got my license: New York City, New Jersey, every turnpike, highway, expressway, Roosevelt Field Mall, whatever.
Now driving doesn't have any "meaning." It means gas, getting lost, being careful. I guess it means freedom too but only if you can afford it. Guess what guys? FREEDOM AIN'T FREE. I really love my car. It was loaned to me by Pete Anderson aka "Teddy Ruxpin." I have my ipod all hooked up, complete with a driving mix. Sometimes when I'm feeling crazy I'll just let the tunes shuffle. Then Tilt comes on or NOFX and I can pretend that I'm 17 again driving to a Long Island hardcore show at the PWAC. (Ruxpin update: Pete went to see Todd Barry perform and Chelsea Peretti opened for him. He loved Chelsea so much he looked at her blog, where he discovered a whole world of smart funny girls: Aviva, Pia, Elizabeth, etc. Then he started following me on Twitter, saw my tweet about needing a car and BAM now I have one. So in other words, THANKS CHELSEA!)

3. The Weather: New Yorkers talk about the weather way more. Probably because it changes. But it's freezing here in LA. All I keep hearing about is how hot it is in NYC and here, I'm wearing a flannel and jeans. And it's not night. We had the heat on the past few nights even! WTF-balls? I want me some of that desert heat. BRING IT.

4. Funny People: I feel a little self conch-shell in LA because I'm so new here. Still trying to figure out how to keep whatever swerve I had (do people still say "swerve?" Ima bring it back if not). Plus, I'm not a comedian or a "comedy writer" per se. Every cool person is a comedian. They're like the Vincent Gallos of LA. In New York, the cool kids are the cool kids and the comedians are just nerds. I can't figure out who the nerds are here. Probably the homeless people.

Last night I went to UCB and I saw this guy and I was like, "I'm pretty sure we've met before." Turns out I've never met him, but felt like I had because he's on MAD MEN. Then Chelsea said, "Welcome to LA."

PS I changed my mind. Not gonna bring back "swerve."

PPS They still make this?

Going Going Gone

A lot of people think travel isn't such a big deal. Even if it's for a long time, let's say, 2 months, people are still like "Oh it will be great" and "what's the big deal?"

They are right on both accounts, and while they obviously don't know that "it will be great" I'm willing to believe them and feel the same way.

HOWEVER, on Thursday I'll be leaving for LA for 2 months. And yeah it's not a big deal and it's gonna be great, but I'm pretty nervous. Here's why.


1. I'm Not The Bad Ass You Think I Am: Wait, do you even think I'm a bad ass? I don't know. But I'll tell you right now that I might not be. The first reason for fear is always fear itself! It's like, "Okay so I'm scared, check" but then the following thoughts are "what if the fear never goes away?" There's always the nightmarish fantasy of going to a place and suddenly your arms and legs won't move and it feels like there's gum all over your eyes and I'm just totally paralyzed by the fear of nothing. You know what I mean? I logically know that's not gonna happen, but the anticipation of feeling even more scared, well, it scares me. People say "Say positive" but sometimes that comes off as sounding dismissive. As much as I'd like to believe that I'm secretly a punk rock freight train hopper who lives each day like it's an all ages show, I am in fact quite not that at all. My ego puts up with a lot of eye-rolling when I talk about being scared of stuff, but whatever, it's still a thing. My moral code might have a dyed blue Mohawk but I'm still a human retard sometimes.

2. I'm Not Popular (yet) In LA: I've lived in NYC for about 10 years. I wear my housepants to the bar like it ain't no thing. It's because I feel comfortable here and people know me. All the crushes I'm ever gonna get within a 5 mile radius have been crushed and put away. Finally, after 31 years, I can just do me. It feels different having to do that in a whole new place. What if I'm a dork there? Wait it just occurred to me... What if I'm a dork HERE? Okay, next.

3. Although I Grew Up Driving, I'm Still Scared To Do It: You know what I'm talking about. I don't wanna die, kill someone else, get a ticket, or try to parallel park in front of a group of people. I think about this stuff a lot.

4. Boyfriend: Truth be told, a huge part of why I'm going is because I like a boy. We've spent some time together and even though I've gone through an excruciating break up this year, I couldn't be more siked. There's still the "what if" factor. I'm not gonna think about it so much. Don't think. Stop thinking. It's gotta be the bumper sticker in my brain right now. That's all I'm gonna say about this for now.

I wanted to write this stuff down and get it out of me because I'm sick of living with these thoughts. I'm not even going for that long. Also, I'm totally fucking stoked.

I'll miss you hot summer New York nights. I'll miss you little apartment and little cats around my neck. I'll miss you Miguel from the deli who gives me free cigarettes. I'll miss you buying a bagel and Snapple and Sour Punch Straws at 2am. I'll miss you Merks and Bill and Gav and Em and Judi and Jen and Xrissie and Elizabeth and Natasha and Bones.... so much. And everyone else. Come visit me. Now.

NOW.

Her hair was blue, now it's green. I like her mind, she hates the scene.

Elizabeth and I started a new blog about the 90s. The REAL 90s. We're sick of the kids raping our youth and wanna set things straight. Check it out.

ASK ARF NUTZ

So it's 11pm and I'm still at the office with Elizabeth. We got so heavily sidetracked in a 90s conversation that I can't even go into full detail about it because it might just be THE most important conversation I've ever had. Like way bigger than I can deal with right now (note: Urge Overkill and Soy Bomb were mentioned).

But as we were talking about all the places we would see shows (yes to the Academy, no to ABC No Rio--way too scary. Scary as in intimidating. Crusty punks! God Is My Co-Pilot! Too much for little suburban girls). Another place she was scared of was Coney Island High, but I wasn't. I used to go there all the time. They had that soul night that was later moved to Bar 13 but I forget what it was called.

Anyway cut to December of this year. I went to get a tattoo with Judi (we only go to Michelle Tarantelli btw) and there were people hanging out, whatever. At one point someone said my full name and this girl Hilary was like, "Wait, did you say your name was Lesley Arfin?"

And I was like, "Ummm DOYE BOMB!" (No I didn't say that but come on..."doye bomb"? I know.)

And then she was like, "Dude, I have this sign from Coney High Island that I took when it got shut down. It says "Lesley Arf Nuts" on it and I've been looking at it every day for years, wondering who you were."

And so she sent me the sign.


WEIRD BOMB!!

I guess if you look closely you can also see that I wrote "Bottle Rocket" and "Rushmore"??? I don't know. I was being a nerd I guess.

On top it says Dave Eliot.com or something and that was this dude who I thought was cute but he was also really cool and wasn't into me. That's fine.

(SUCK IT)

stuff like this

I haven't updated in a while because I've been feeling extremely vulnerable. Overly emotional. Do you ever feel that way?

It's not so much depression or anxiety (right now) just a protective shield I need to use. It separates me from my friends, from other people, and from writing on my blog.

I don't feel lonely. I do cry when I watch Glee. I do cry a lot. I swear it's not because I'm a huge pussy. I'm not a huge pussy, just a regular one.

On July 1 I'm moving to LA for 2 months. So that's a thing.

Right now I really do wish I was able to write/talk/explain a lot but I'm just not ready. I feel ashamed when I get too emotional. I feel lame when I expose too much. It's like I'm almost too tough right now for my own good. I don't like it.

It's vulnerable. It feels fucking vulnerable. So I'm just gonna step away from my desk right now and walk down the street and let life happen the way it's supposed to happen so I can eventually make my way back to whatever the fuck it is I should be writing. With more clarity and less self conscious.

I have a deeply inner sad "I'm fucked" feeling, but on the flip-side I'm pretty sure that's the feeling that happens before things get good.

Ugh sometimes I just hate myself.

...And God Created Pete Anderson

Who, I don't know, is just this random awesome dude who is helping me out with a car this summer. Oh and he made this too:

IT'S TEDDY RUXPIN
WEARING MASCARA
WITH TINY RAVIOLI HANDS
READING MOTHERFUCKING FIRST KISS!!!!

I DARE YOU TO QUESTION WHETHER OR NOT THIS MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME!!!


Elizzzzaaaaabbbbbeeetttthhhhh what do we do about this?!?!?!

sublet my apartment

I'm leaving this one horse town for the summer (July and August).
Please consider subletting my AWESOME apartment. It's a studio located right on Ludlow street in the fast-beating heart of the lower east side. I live a block away from the subway, across the street from a bar, next door to a health food store, San Loco, and pizza place. I live close to everything, seriously. Like no one lives to closer to everything than me.

Internet and cable, duh. AC, obv. What else do you need to know? It's a studio. It's small and efficient. Really ideal for one person.



Enjoy sitting at the desk and writing emails to your friends in Japan!
Look at the horses in the bathroom. They are real.

Spooky the cat not included...unless you want him to be.
Interested in magic? I thought you might be. Conjure spells this way!


Sleep 'neath Lenny Bruce and Ryan McGinley's bf on a bike. Sweet dreams much?

Price available upon request. Please contact me at me@lesleyarfin.com

DAY THREE!

I know I'm a little late but here's my DAY 3 of Coachella adventures.
Sorry I didn't update sooner, I was too busy seeing HOLE play, which I will update you about ASAP.
Been so busy doing the following:
1. Texting Elizabeth when not talking to her on the phone or working with her or hanging out with her. (ps I need to think of a nickname for her. I'm taking suggestions. She doesn't like LIZ.)
2. Trying to chase down checks.
3. Brainstorming/workshopping ideas about my life.
4. Writing stuff for streetcarnage.com
5. Trying to find my cat a new home.

There are a million things I need to sit down and tell you. Like we need to have a heart 2 heart. I will soon.

Visual Arts Workshop

I don't know how to use Photoshop. I don't even have it. I'm good at cutting and pasting things (literally) but when it comes to most visual arts, I really just don't have that thing that makes it look effortless. Even taking a picture of someone is painful for me. I get lost in images, I don't know how to pick them or put them together or draw or any of that.


But I don't know how to describe this feeling I have when the weather starts getting nice. It makes me wanna buy things and eat hot dawgs on the street and sit outside on a stoop for many hours. It makes me wanna not shower for days and not even care. It makes me wanna eat Sour Punch Straws all night long and cruise around the city on a never ending sugar high. WEEEEEEE! So here's to trying to capture that feeling with images.


I got this screen cap idea from White Lightning. I tried Polyvore but that shit was confusing and it wasn't working the way I wanted it to. Like I couldn't upload it or something. I don't know. A graphic designer I am not, but I like pretty pictures.




I think I just get a little overwhelmed with imagery sometimes. Don't you? Ideally I would just cut these out from a mag, paste them into a book or hang em up somewhere, and call it a day.

ARGH!! THE FUTURE!!!

This Is Weird

So, I spoke to a psychic today. Although I'm a Pisces I have to tell you that I've never had any luck with psychics. They usually tell me shit that's way off (i.e. "do you work with medicine?") or stuff that is so vague it can be relevant to anyone (i.e. "you have a very independent spirit.")
Today my experience was very, very different.
I spoke to her over the phone and barely said anything the whole time. She was so on point about some stuff it was freaky.
At one point she asked me if I had done a drawing of my cats that had been on hanging up in my apartment for a while (I didn't tell her that I even had cats). I couldn't think of anything (a drawing I did???) until I remembered that underneath all the crap hanging on my fridge, was this:

I made this years ago and it's been taped to my fridge since I first moved in. She told me I should put it on my blog (I didn't tell her I had a blog).
So here it is. I doubt it means anything but I just wanted to do it, especially because I had such a weird, insightful reading from her.
If you don't believe in psychics that's fine (Gavin) but for the love of God let me have this!

Top 10 Least Favorite Things

Today someone asked me "Are you going to Coachella?" And I responded by saying "I wouldn't go there for fun if that's what you mean. Going to 3 day long outdoor music festivals are probably on my list of Top 10 Least Favorite Things To Do."
Then it occurred to me that I should actually make that list!
So here it is!
(And btw, I realize my answer sounds flippant and rude but within the context of the conversation it was more "ha ha." But I still meant it).

1. Outdoor Music Festivals: I don't care if Elvis is playing. A 3 day long music festival IN THE DESERT? Really? That sounds like fun to you? Let's talk outfits first off. You want to look cool right? But you also need to be comfortable. The two don't go hand in hand. It's gonna be a million degrees and you think your jean shorts aren't gonna chaff the inside of your thighs? And how about going to the bathroom? You're gonna be drinking all day. Let's wait in line for the port-o-potty (those fuckers are on my top 20 least favorite things)and sit in a bathroom with diarrhea splashed against the walls. Oh and I bet you can't wait to get up reallllly close for... RADIOHEAD?!?! THE WORST BAND EVER. Being up close in the mosh pit, okay, that's your choice if you're 17 years old or younger, but if you're not up super close, chances are you're gonna be standing really far. Almost as far as not even being there at all. I'll be standing as far away as one would from a TV. Actually I'll be sitting, comfortably in front of a TV. And if the TV is showing said music festival, I'll be changing the channel.

2.Roller Coasters: That's right, I said it. I hate them. You have to stand in line forever to go on a 5 second ride that isn't comfortable, makes you feel sick, all your change falls out, and you have to sit next to either a stranger or a friend and what... scream really loud? How awkward is that? Are you supposed to raise your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care? Well I care! Because I'm scared! Am I supposed to pretend like I'm bored? I don't get the roller coaster. Spills and chills? None for me thanks.

3. Water Sports: What's wrong with just swimming? Why do I have to "keep trying" to get up on water skies or a body board or whatever because you know I'm gonna fall off in 2 seconds. And the entire boat is now watching all of my failed attempts. Falling down in general isn't a good look but how about falling down in a bikini?

4. Peer Pressure To Do The Above 3 Things: I'm old enough to know what I like and what I don't like for the most part, so don't call me a pussy or tell me to "just try it." I have tried it, and I didn't like it, so don't try to convince me I will. I jumped off a cliff into fresh spring water. It didn't feel like "freedom" it just felt fucking cold. And also it hurt. It was a high jump. Can you not make me do it again?

5. Dinner Parties: I remember when I first saw the movie Pretty In Pink and Andie shows up to the mansion for the rich kids party and the girl notices her pearls and goes "Nice pearls. This isn't a dinner party honey." They proceed to get wasted and put pizza on the record player and that's when I knew dinner parties weren't for me. Don't invite me to your gay potluck because the only thing I'm bringing is a pack of cigarettes for myself. If that. Save that glass of white wine for someone who cares (about being boring).

6. Dick Riding: I'm specifically thinking of when I either go to a party or away for the weekend. Are we not old enough to know how to be alone for a little while? We don't ALWAYS need to do everything together. If you want to lay out and I want to go shopping, it doesn't mean that we're "in a fight." If I'm sitting alone at a bar it doesn't mean that "something is wrong," it just means that my friend is talking to someone else and I'm okay to not be involved in the convo. If something is wrong, I'll leave. I'm a big girl. I can find my way home without it being a huge deal. Alone time equals a good time, a necessary time, so get off this dick!

7. Getting Sprayed With A Hose Or Being Shot In The Face With A Water Balloon:
You got me! Now I'm wet! You win! I'm wet and look dumb. Thanks for the "surprise."

8. When You Sing The Lyrics To The Song In My Face: Right, I get it. You know every word to "She Keeps On Passing Me By" by the Pharcyde. Yeah yeah, you totalllllly used to listen to it in high school. That's so cool. How uncomfortable is it when you're out and a song comes on and the good friend that you're with starts looking at you right in your eye-holes super hard and sings the lyrics. Like what are you supposed to do? Look away? Look back and smile? Start singing along? There is no right answer because the act itself is very wrong. Just thinking about it is giving me the creeps. It's one thing to sing along to something together...that's fun. But when someone sings AT you it's just plain rude. It's the difference between a conversation and lecture but in song form (double ew).

9. When You Say Something And Your Friends Nudge Each Other And They Think You Can't Tell: Not only can I tell, but now I just feel really bad about myself. Turns out these people aren't the greatest friends in the world. Do I need their approval? Do I need them to like me? I don't think so.

10. When People Say "It's Just A Game" And Then Change The Rules: Um no, that's not how games work. You can't play celebrity and fuck up and just expect to get away with it. Maybe if you're 7, but if you're an adult playing a game, play by the rules. There is a humor curb. Like if you wanna break a rule that's okay but make sure it's hilarious. We'll let it slide for laughs, but there's no pussy exception. This doesn't mean take the game UBER seriously. That's gay too and also makes people feel weird, because making sure you win in an adult game is also for 7 year olds.

If you have to ask...

I am turning 31 on Monday, but today I wore a baby barrette in my hair.
I'm afraid to ask
because I know that if I have to ask
it probably means that

yes. I am getting too old to wear baby barrettes.

Banner Contestant #1

This is from a girl named Mo, and it's AMAZING!

HELP ME? (a contest)

Look at the top of the blog and see where it says "Cafe Con Lesley"? Well, it's ugly and boring and I wanna change it.
The problem is I don't have photoshop, skills, or want, to make a pretty banner.

CAN YOU HELP ME?

Let's call it a banner contest! Please send me some banners and if you win, obviously it will live on my blog for all the world to see, but also I will interview you AND send you a mix cd.

Not enough? Um... what else can I give you? I don't know. Sometimes people just do these things for fun. Maybe you're a graphic design person and can whip this kinda thing up in minutes.

Anyway, please help me make my blog a better looking place.

(ps blingee inspires me.)

I Started A Side Project Blog

Adjust your peepers! Check out my new side gig.
It's a blog about people who like REALLY don't go out that much.

Sometimes we all need a break from the nightlife and the boogie, so hopefully this blog will inspire you with some ideas on how to spend your alone time.

It's called I Never Go Out.

ENJOY!

On Writing

The other day I twittered "I don't like writing anymore" which is true for any writer I'm pretty sure, but I did get a lot of feedback on it.

Of course of love writing but sometimes I feel like there's only a specific kind I actually enjoy doing, which is this bloggy-style writing aka writing about myself and my thoughts and feelings, which is great and everything but it's no big whoop. Everyone likes that writing that kind of stuff.

I used to fantasize when I was younger about being a great fiction writer. While I do enjoy writing fiction from time to time, it's not my biggest strength. Neither is journalism or screenwriting.

Basically, unless what I'm writing about somehow involves ME, I don't ever think it's really that good. It's good enough I suppose, but I never was one to strive for being just "good enough."

So I've found myself in a bit of a pickle career-wise because what I love to write about (more or less myself) isn't exactly the most marketable kind of writing because who really cares, you know?

It's sad in a way but at the same time very liberating to admit this rather than trying to please other people or find some kind of get-rich-writing loophole. I'd rather just do what I like and do it to the best of my ability then try to hustle my way into mediocrity, even though I'm sure that's not even possible anyway.

Cuz see, when I write because other people tell me what I "should be" writing (i.e. a screenplay, advertisements, etc.) the writing is never as good as it is when I'm writing from my own damn heart. Not that anyone is asking me to do advertising work anyway (I'd actually try to kill it in that arena if given the chance).

Basically I'm just airing out my woes because while I do write for a living, I need more work and I don't know how to get it. That's why I'm going to school for my CASAC.

Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize giving up. I can't tell yet.

Eh

I haven't updated in a while.

'teves.


Maybe more in 2010. I need a new camera n whatnot.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!