Black Eyes. Cold Hearts. Born 2 Lose.

I've been having a really hard time lately, mostly it has to do with work (lack thereof). I'm not sure if this is the sort of thing I'm supposed to admit to the public or not, like does it make me seem less successful/competent? Probably.
It's the lack of confidence that leads to not being as prolific as I would like, and that's just where I'm at. It's a catch 22 because when I get more work it enables me to be more prolific, and as a result I feel better about myself.
When the opposite goes down I feel worthless. I feel like there's no reason for me to even exist and no words of encouragement can fix the feeling. Yeah I'm dramatic and sometimes throw my own pity parties but I don't care.
Not every weekend is a party. Not every outfit is a winner. It's hard for me to write and pretend otherwise.
I know this sounds gloomy. I'm harshing your mellow and being Captain Bringdown.
Let's all complain and close the curtains so no light comes in. Lock the door and sleep all day and don't wear makeup and don't answer the phone and delete yourself from Facebook and when someone tries to cheer you up don't even let them.
Do it now.
Do you feel better?
I do.

Sometimes I feel bad. I'm not gonna let myself feel bad about feeling bad.

(Another thing that helps is listening to this Buzz Bissinger podcast, thanks to my boyfriend for showing this to me).

In happy news, I went to Palm Springs last weekend where it was 107 degrees (I liked it). It was hard to sit in the sun but I managed. I needed to show off my Budweiser bikini. Reason #1 for happiness.


Reason #2: Local cover bands. They played "Boys Don't Cry" and "American Girl." I danced around in circles and pretended I was in an episode of Rosanne.


Reason #3: Gay men. They all live in Palm Springs and they are mostly bears. I went into a sex store called "GEAR" and found this not so subtle lubricant. We also went to a gay club where I drank many a Red Bull to the sounds of Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Madons. T'was totally ruling.

All these photos were taken with my Blackberry because I forgot my camera.

Little Things

I just needed to share this with you:
1. My favorite drinking glass.
(dare you to notice my meditation stone in the background)

2. Pretty baubles in the bathroom, just casually hanging there.
3. THIS DOG
4. THIS DOG AGAIN
(Name: OSO. He is 14 years old).

Status Report

Los Angeles has been treating me well. There are some ins and outs I've had to learn, for example, I can't really go anywhere between the hours of 4-7pm (the traffic will make you slit your wrists, plus the fact that the sun is beating down on you and you have to pee).
Hilary and I have been getting in a lot of pool time. The weather has been a dream and I finally figured out (sorta) how to control my hair (the air is really dry).
Here's Hilary being cute.

I wanted to take a picture of my feet because I do believe they are truly stunning.
The other night I went to this bowling alley where they had Karaoke. I was fiending for my peeps because I know we would have gone apeshit. I went apeshit anyway.
I mean, I couldn't not. This guy was there and his name is BLAQUE CHRIS.
Matty and Brian are in The Soft Pack and also, they love each other.
In other news, there are always coyotes (yes that's the proper pluralization) in the backyard and today we saw a deer eating an orange back there. I was too sleepy to take a picture.

We've been having some late night hang out sessions on the patio where we end up laughing too hard and smoking too many cigarettes and getting yelled at by our neighbor the next day. That's a little slice of perfection right there.

There's also a milkshake at the diner I really enjoy: vanilla, honey, and peanut butter.

Fuck I gotta start being more interesting. Will soon. xo

Driving: A Love Story

1. My House, In The Middle Of The Street: Los Angeles is good. Real good. It's quiet and weird and different. It's hard not to pretend that I'm Weetzie Bat up in this Shangri-liscious canyon. We have tons of tiny white lights that sparkle at night all around us. There's an orange tree and an avocado tree and a blue tiled bathtub. Everyday I like to put my bubbles in and open the window and take a bath. I come out smelling like sleepaway camp.




It is sort of like camp here. Mandy is our landlord but she's also like a camp counselor. She's got that camp counselor vibe of knowing how to wear a bandanna or cut her sweatshirt in the cool way. She also makes documentaries, including this classic.

2. Drivin' On 9: Remember when I was so scared to drive? Remember when that was a "thing" for me? It's not anymore. At least not extremely so.
I grew up driving but it was different back then because driving meant FREEDOM. I drove everywhere I possibly could the minute I got my license: New York City, New Jersey, every turnpike, highway, expressway, Roosevelt Field Mall, whatever.
Now driving doesn't have any "meaning." It means gas, getting lost, being careful. I guess it means freedom too but only if you can afford it. Guess what guys? FREEDOM AIN'T FREE. I really love my car. It was loaned to me by Pete Anderson aka "Teddy Ruxpin." I have my ipod all hooked up, complete with a driving mix. Sometimes when I'm feeling crazy I'll just let the tunes shuffle. Then Tilt comes on or NOFX and I can pretend that I'm 17 again driving to a Long Island hardcore show at the PWAC. (Ruxpin update: Pete went to see Todd Barry perform and Chelsea Peretti opened for him. He loved Chelsea so much he looked at her blog, where he discovered a whole world of smart funny girls: Aviva, Pia, Elizabeth, etc. Then he started following me on Twitter, saw my tweet about needing a car and BAM now I have one. So in other words, THANKS CHELSEA!)

3. The Weather: New Yorkers talk about the weather way more. Probably because it changes. But it's freezing here in LA. All I keep hearing about is how hot it is in NYC and here, I'm wearing a flannel and jeans. And it's not night. We had the heat on the past few nights even! WTF-balls? I want me some of that desert heat. BRING IT.

4. Funny People: I feel a little self conch-shell in LA because I'm so new here. Still trying to figure out how to keep whatever swerve I had (do people still say "swerve?" Ima bring it back if not). Plus, I'm not a comedian or a "comedy writer" per se. Every cool person is a comedian. They're like the Vincent Gallos of LA. In New York, the cool kids are the cool kids and the comedians are just nerds. I can't figure out who the nerds are here. Probably the homeless people.

Last night I went to UCB and I saw this guy and I was like, "I'm pretty sure we've met before." Turns out I've never met him, but felt like I had because he's on MAD MEN. Then Chelsea said, "Welcome to LA."

PS I changed my mind. Not gonna bring back "swerve."

PPS They still make this?

Going Going Gone

A lot of people think travel isn't such a big deal. Even if it's for a long time, let's say, 2 months, people are still like "Oh it will be great" and "what's the big deal?"

They are right on both accounts, and while they obviously don't know that "it will be great" I'm willing to believe them and feel the same way.

HOWEVER, on Thursday I'll be leaving for LA for 2 months. And yeah it's not a big deal and it's gonna be great, but I'm pretty nervous. Here's why.


1. I'm Not The Bad Ass You Think I Am: Wait, do you even think I'm a bad ass? I don't know. But I'll tell you right now that I might not be. The first reason for fear is always fear itself! It's like, "Okay so I'm scared, check" but then the following thoughts are "what if the fear never goes away?" There's always the nightmarish fantasy of going to a place and suddenly your arms and legs won't move and it feels like there's gum all over your eyes and I'm just totally paralyzed by the fear of nothing. You know what I mean? I logically know that's not gonna happen, but the anticipation of feeling even more scared, well, it scares me. People say "Say positive" but sometimes that comes off as sounding dismissive. As much as I'd like to believe that I'm secretly a punk rock freight train hopper who lives each day like it's an all ages show, I am in fact quite not that at all. My ego puts up with a lot of eye-rolling when I talk about being scared of stuff, but whatever, it's still a thing. My moral code might have a dyed blue Mohawk but I'm still a human retard sometimes.

2. I'm Not Popular (yet) In LA: I've lived in NYC for about 10 years. I wear my housepants to the bar like it ain't no thing. It's because I feel comfortable here and people know me. All the crushes I'm ever gonna get within a 5 mile radius have been crushed and put away. Finally, after 31 years, I can just do me. It feels different having to do that in a whole new place. What if I'm a dork there? Wait it just occurred to me... What if I'm a dork HERE? Okay, next.

3. Although I Grew Up Driving, I'm Still Scared To Do It: You know what I'm talking about. I don't wanna die, kill someone else, get a ticket, or try to parallel park in front of a group of people. I think about this stuff a lot.

4. Boyfriend: Truth be told, a huge part of why I'm going is because I like a boy. We've spent some time together and even though I've gone through an excruciating break up this year, I couldn't be more siked. There's still the "what if" factor. I'm not gonna think about it so much. Don't think. Stop thinking. It's gotta be the bumper sticker in my brain right now. That's all I'm gonna say about this for now.

I wanted to write this stuff down and get it out of me because I'm sick of living with these thoughts. I'm not even going for that long. Also, I'm totally fucking stoked.

I'll miss you hot summer New York nights. I'll miss you little apartment and little cats around my neck. I'll miss you Miguel from the deli who gives me free cigarettes. I'll miss you buying a bagel and Snapple and Sour Punch Straws at 2am. I'll miss you Merks and Bill and Gav and Em and Judi and Jen and Xrissie and Elizabeth and Natasha and Bones.... so much. And everyone else. Come visit me. Now.

NOW.

DAY THREE!

I know I'm a little late but here's my DAY 3 of Coachella adventures.
Sorry I didn't update sooner, I was too busy seeing HOLE play, which I will update you about ASAP.
Been so busy doing the following:
1. Texting Elizabeth when not talking to her on the phone or working with her or hanging out with her. (ps I need to think of a nickname for her. I'm taking suggestions. She doesn't like LIZ.)
2. Trying to chase down checks.
3. Brainstorming/workshopping ideas about my life.
4. Writing stuff for streetcarnage.com
5. Trying to find my cat a new home.

There are a million things I need to sit down and tell you. Like we need to have a heart 2 heart. I will soon.

Day Deuce

Click here for #2 of my Coachella shit storm.

Remember when I said I hated outdoor music festivals?

Well, Kanon Vodka heard that as a cue to send me there. Read about it here.

Updizzy

I haven't been blogging here so much, but what I have been doing is writing a lot more in my diary. Pen to paper style. I guess since my camera broke I've been using it as an excuse not to write here, because I always think who wants to read my stupid ramblings anyway? You just want pictures right? Right?

Maybe blogging is the way to fortune and fame and "getting discovered"? I don't know. Good writing is good writing and good writing means if you have nothing good to say, then don't say it.

Update on my life:

I just got back from LA where Hilary and I stayed with our friend Sophia. Sophia had just gotten back from Morocco and we stayed with for a week, and I got sick and then I got Hilary sick, so basically what I'm saying is that Sophia is a saint.

[cute photo of Sophia would go here]

I saw other friends too, like Chloe, Alex Olson, Chelsea, and Jonny Makeup.

[cute group photo of all those people together as best friends here]

I also saw Whip It and Good Hair. Whip It was cute but not hilarious or mind-blowing, and Good Hair was interesting albeit too long and a little boring. Save it for your netflix maybe? I don't know, I was also kinda sick and it was the second movie of the day.

[no photo here]

Some wacky hi jinx went down which included me breaking a glass picture frame, Hilary getting glass in her eye, missing our flight but getting on standby anyway, getting locked out of the house, getting into fights, getting late night meals with new friends, buying a cool jacket at the flea market, eating at Toast a lot, going to fancy/funny events and parties and hanging with new and funny people.

[video montage of all of those things here]

All in all the trip was LIFE CHANGING!!!

I'll miss you LA and LA friends.