Sunday, June 27, 2010

Going Going Gone

A lot of people think travel isn't such a big deal. Even if it's for a long time, let's say, 2 months, people are still like "Oh it will be great" and "what's the big deal?"

They are right on both accounts, and while they obviously don't know that "it will be great" I'm willing to believe them and feel the same way.

HOWEVER, on Thursday I'll be leaving for LA for 2 months. And yeah it's not a big deal and it's gonna be great, but I'm pretty nervous. Here's why.

1. I'm Not The Bad Ass You Think I Am: Wait, do you even think I'm a bad ass? I don't know. But I'll tell you right now that I might not be. The first reason for fear is always fear itself! It's like, "Okay so I'm scared, check" but then the following thoughts are "what if the fear never goes away?" There's always the nightmarish fantasy of going to a place and suddenly your arms and legs won't move and it feels like there's gum all over your eyes and I'm just totally paralyzed by the fear of nothing. You know what I mean? I logically know that's not gonna happen, but the anticipation of feeling even more scared, well, it scares me. People say "Say positive" but sometimes that comes off as sounding dismissive. As much as I'd like to believe that I'm secretly a punk rock freight train hopper who lives each day like it's an all ages show, I am in fact quite not that at all. My ego puts up with a lot of eye-rolling when I talk about being scared of stuff, but whatever, it's still a thing. My moral code might have a dyed blue Mohawk but I'm still a human retard sometimes.

2. I'm Not Popular (yet) In LA: I've lived in NYC for about 10 years. I wear my housepants to the bar like it ain't no thing. It's because I feel comfortable here and people know me. All the crushes I'm ever gonna get within a 5 mile radius have been crushed and put away. Finally, after 31 years, I can just do me. It feels different having to do that in a whole new place. What if I'm a dork there? Wait it just occurred to me... What if I'm a dork HERE? Okay, next.

3. Although I Grew Up Driving, I'm Still Scared To Do It: You know what I'm talking about. I don't wanna die, kill someone else, get a ticket, or try to parallel park in front of a group of people. I think about this stuff a lot.

4. Boyfriend: Truth be told, a huge part of why I'm going is because I like a boy. We've spent some time together and even though I've gone through an excruciating break up this year, I couldn't be more siked. There's still the "what if" factor. I'm not gonna think about it so much. Don't think. Stop thinking. It's gotta be the bumper sticker in my brain right now. That's all I'm gonna say about this for now.

I wanted to write this stuff down and get it out of me because I'm sick of living with these thoughts. I'm not even going for that long. Also, I'm totally fucking stoked.

I'll miss you hot summer New York nights. I'll miss you little apartment and little cats around my neck. I'll miss you Miguel from the deli who gives me free cigarettes. I'll miss you buying a bagel and Snapple and Sour Punch Straws at 2am. I'll miss you Merks and Bill and Gav and Em and Judi and Jen and Xrissie and Elizabeth and Natasha and Bones.... so much. And everyone else. Come visit me. Now.