Things I Believed In When I Was 16 That I No Longer Believe In

1. "Everyone is Bi." Remember when you were young and trying to get into freedom? Remember when you thought anarchy was a good idea, or that the 60s were really cool? I don't know, maybe you're younger and never went through that phase, but I was a teenager in the 90s and raving was cool aka taking Ecstasy aka everyone making out with each other all the time. During those days we would make grand proclamations like "Everyone is bisexual," and think we were so smart and ahead of our time. Turns out we were exactly on time. With being retarded. Everyone is not "bi" and those who are most likely live in either San Fransisco or the East Village and attend cuddle parties. Sure, I get the Kinsey scale and sex isn't so cut and dry and all that but come on, chances are, if you're bi, it really just means your gay and/or insecure and just want to keep as many love option doors open as you can because you're afraid to be alone.

2. "Prostitution and weed should be legal." Um, no, they shouldn't be. It's illegality is doing just fine on its own and anyway, it kind of is legal. Weed is legal for Cancer patients, and non Cancers have a pretty easy time of finding it, smoking it, buying it, and not going to jail for it. Don't give me that old hemp argument either. If there even is one. Sounds like a pot invention to me. Prostitution is legal when I ask you to pay me after we do it. Which I don't do because that would be weird. If that shit was legal AIDS would come up so hard it would literally take the shape of a human and be able to put a top hat on and ask you for change. This is not a liberal ideal, but a teenager's idealistic view of how the world would be better.

3. "I'm gonna live close to all my BFF's, we'll all have kids at the same time, and they'll all play together and become BFF." Not really. It goes more like this: Your husband or wife becomes your BFF and then you have a kid. You try to find people in your neighborhood who have kids and you become friends with them (slim pickins). The only thing you have in common is that you're both married and have kids, so you talk shit about most of them and you suddenly feel very similar to how you did when you were 16 and came up with this original concept. The 16 yr old plan is really good and it would work if we weren't so broke aka lazy aka spoiled. My parents lived close to friends and all us kids are around the same age, but I'm certainly not BFF with them and my parents are divorced, and I guess I'm spoiled and lazy, so maybe it's not a good plan after all.

4. "There's no such thing as monogamy." I'm still on the fence about this one.