Today someone asked me "Are you going to Coachella?" And I responded by saying "I wouldn't go there for fun if that's what you mean. Going to 3 day long outdoor music festivals are probably on my list of Top 10 Least Favorite Things To Do."
Then it occurred to me that I should actually make that list!
So here it is!
(And btw, I realize my answer sounds flippant and rude but within the context of the conversation it was more "ha ha." But I still meant it).
1. Outdoor Music Festivals: I don't care if Elvis is playing. A 3 day long music festival IN THE DESERT? Really? That sounds like fun to you? Let's talk outfits first off. You want to look cool right? But you also need to be comfortable. The two don't go hand in hand. It's gonna be a million degrees and you think your jean shorts aren't gonna chaff the inside of your thighs? And how about going to the bathroom? You're gonna be drinking all day. Let's wait in line for the port-o-potty (those fuckers are on my top 20 least favorite things)and sit in a bathroom with diarrhea splashed against the walls. Oh and I bet you can't wait to get up reallllly close for... RADIOHEAD?!?! THE WORST BAND EVER. Being up close in the mosh pit, okay, that's your choice if you're 17 years old or younger, but if you're not up super close, chances are you're gonna be standing really far. Almost as far as not even being there at all. I'll be standing as far away as one would from a TV. Actually I'll be sitting, comfortably in front of a TV. And if the TV is showing said music festival, I'll be changing the channel.
2.Roller Coasters: That's right, I said it. I hate them. You have to stand in line forever to go on a 5 second ride that isn't comfortable, makes you feel sick, all your change falls out, and you have to sit next to either a stranger or a friend and what... scream really loud? How awkward is that? Are you supposed to raise your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care? Well I care! Because I'm scared! Am I supposed to pretend like I'm bored? I don't get the roller coaster. Spills and chills? None for me thanks.
3. Water Sports: What's wrong with just swimming? Why do I have to "keep trying" to get up on water skies or a body board or whatever because you know I'm gonna fall off in 2 seconds. And the entire boat is now watching all of my failed attempts. Falling down in general isn't a good look but how about falling down in a bikini?
4. Peer Pressure To Do The Above 3 Things: I'm old enough to know what I like and what I don't like for the most part, so don't call me a pussy or tell me to "just try it." I have tried it, and I didn't like it, so don't try to convince me I will. I jumped off a cliff into fresh spring water. It didn't feel like "freedom" it just felt fucking cold. And also it hurt. It was a high jump. Can you not make me do it again?
5. Dinner Parties: I remember when I first saw the movie Pretty In Pink and Andie shows up to the mansion for the rich kids party and the girl notices her pearls and goes "Nice pearls. This isn't a dinner party honey." They proceed to get wasted and put pizza on the record player and that's when I knew dinner parties weren't for me. Don't invite me to your gay potluck because the only thing I'm bringing is a pack of cigarettes for myself. If that. Save that glass of white wine for someone who cares (about being boring).
6. Dick Riding: I'm specifically thinking of when I either go to a party or away for the weekend. Are we not old enough to know how to be alone for a little while? We don't ALWAYS need to do everything together. If you want to lay out and I want to go shopping, it doesn't mean that we're "in a fight." If I'm sitting alone at a bar it doesn't mean that "something is wrong," it just means that my friend is talking to someone else and I'm okay to not be involved in the convo. If something is wrong, I'll leave. I'm a big girl. I can find my way home without it being a huge deal. Alone time equals a good time, a necessary time, so get off this dick!
7. Getting Sprayed With A Hose Or Being Shot In The Face With A Water Balloon:
You got me! Now I'm wet! You win! I'm wet and look dumb. Thanks for the "surprise."
8. When You Sing The Lyrics To The Song In My Face: Right, I get it. You know every word to "She Keeps On Passing Me By" by the Pharcyde. Yeah yeah, you totalllllly used to listen to it in high school. That's so cool. How uncomfortable is it when you're out and a song comes on and the good friend that you're with starts looking at you right in your eye-holes super hard and sings the lyrics. Like what are you supposed to do? Look away? Look back and smile? Start singing along? There is no right answer because the act itself is very wrong. Just thinking about it is giving me the creeps. It's one thing to sing along to something together...that's fun. But when someone sings AT you it's just plain rude. It's the difference between a conversation and lecture but in song form (double ew).
9. When You Say Something And Your Friends Nudge Each Other And They Think You Can't Tell: Not only can I tell, but now I just feel really bad about myself. Turns out these people aren't the greatest friends in the world. Do I need their approval? Do I need them to like me? I don't think so.
10. When People Say "It's Just A Game" And Then Change The Rules: Um no, that's not how games work. You can't play celebrity and fuck up and just expect to get away with it. Maybe if you're 7, but if you're an adult playing a game, play by the rules. There is a humor curb. Like if you wanna break a rule that's okay but make sure it's hilarious. We'll let it slide for laughs, but there's no pussy exception. This doesn't mean take the game UBER seriously. That's gay too and also makes people feel weird, because making sure you win in an adult game is also for 7 year olds.