What's Scarier?

In Bad Ronald he kills this chick accidentally. His mom locks him in a secret bathroom forever and then like, moves away. Another family moves in. He's still there. YIKES MUCH?!?!?!



or



OR



or



or



or...?



(starring Sarah Silverman)

weird?

It's 7am on Sunday and I can't sleep. Jet lagged.
This is what home feels like when you haven't been home in a while:

foreign.

The plane ride was 20 something hours, only brutal because I wanted to be done with it so badly. The sun came in through the windows. Who's sun-rise was that? It wasn't mine anymore.

When I landed in New York I wanted to hug the security guards, I was that happy.
They didn't even have my luggage, and I didn't even care.

Farber is not home and it makes me wonder,

was I ever really gone?






I'm pretty sure I went somewhere.

awesome

100 o'clock

In the next 48 hours I'll have traveled by boat, 2 cars, a motorcycle, and 3 planes.

Where am I going???

I'll never tell!

(Except when I write another blog entry)

Me and Farber have just gotten to the point where we don't even speak in sentences. Our conversations are just one word, or else they're in elaborate paragraphs. Our relationship reminds me of rehab except we did this by choice and we're not recovering from anything. It's just this massive test of wills and breaking downs' in order to get built back ups'.

Our jokes are just words now. We forgot how they started, we've said them so many times they've lost meaning and now it's just funny to hear the word said.

Right now she's in the airport somewhere, I can't find her. She's going to London and I'm in a panic.

I'll really miss it when she says things to the waiter, such as "This isn't iced tea! It's a fucking abortion!"

Or when she asks me questions like, "Do you know that song called "Pure Coke" by Planet Asia?"

What can I say? She's my muse.

Oh Farber where are you when I need you most?

but on a lighter note...

Allison: "This looks like the Rainforest Cafe." (we were in an actual rainforest)

Allison: "Look at that coconut floating in the water."
Me: "Dont touch it! It might be alive!"

mind rapey

Another day alone on the beach. A long, long day. Alone alone alone. I go into the ocean to cool off and by the time I get to my towel I'm hot again. Sure I have books, an ipod, but mostly it's just me.

Ali and I spend a lot of time together but lately we've been doing our own thing.
This is good, if only for our mentals.

Still, it's me and my head.
Paranoia, anxiety, longing.
This is what happens when I'm alone:
fantasy.

I wonder if the heat is affecting my brain. I'm not sure if I've mentioned the heat;
it's unbearable. It's insanely hot.
The pools are warm, the ocean is warm, and the air is hot.
Like wet hot.
There's no wrapping of a sweater around your shoulders at night. I don't even use a towel when I get out of the water.

There are 3 kinds of places you can stay when travelling the beaches of Thailand. There are the straw bungalows for backpackers which cost about $10 per night. These are huts with no a/c, maybe a fan, maybe a shower, a mattress and a mosquito net. Backpackers spend most of their time outdoors smoking the pot and dreading each others pubes, so mostly they just need a place to pass out.

Then there are the uber expensive places that are cheap by American standards but too much for us, who have been gone for a month. These places are reserved for couples and squares and families and normies and people who do yoga.

Last we have the midrange, the working class of the hotel status. This is where we stay, where the booze runneth over and the girls have gone wild. This would be awesome for us if it were 1997, back when we were young and dumb and totally fucking perfect.

It's been a tough day.
I can feel us bottoming out, counting down the days.
We started reading each others minds weeks ago,
which I always thought would be kind of cool.

This just in: it's not.

the flip flops

There are baby kitties all over this island! As if it couldn't get any better. We already named a bunch after the food we've been giving them. So far there's Pancake, there's Hot Dog, there's Orange, and there's Blackout. Blackout's name is more of just a shout-out to India.

We found out that India is really I.N.D.I.A. and it stands for I'll Never Do It Again.
Oh that's good.

When Farber and I were in high school we used to write notes to each other 8 million times a day. We used to make up fake bumper stickers and t-shirts (mostly about the Long Island hardcore scene) that we thought were pretty funny, so we thought we'd give it another go. WARNING: I'M NOT SURE IF THIS WILL BE FUNNY TO ANYONE ELSE.

T-SHIRTS:
"I went to India and all I got was Malaria."

"I joined a cult and all I did was eat with my hands."

"I went to India and all I got was this stupid linen t-shirt and MC Hammer pants."

"I went to Nepal and all I did was die so I didn't go."

BUMPER STICKERS:

"My other rickshaw is my feet."

"My Thai kid stole your honor students flip flops and sold them on the beach."

"A Tsunami is coming, and she is pissed."

"Please don't shit on my street, I don't walk down your toilet with a fanny pack taking pictures." (work in progress)

And now for some other funny things we say:

"I just stepped on a Sting Ray."= I stepped on a plastic bag

"That's definitely a Man-O-War."= it was a plastic bag

"I just saw a shark."= it was the sunlight reflecting off the water. In a pool.

"The Tsunami is coming back."= there was a small wave

"We just got Scabies."= we saw a man scratch his leg

"Someone stole my Havianas!!!" (um,Farber left her flip flops outside of a store)

Havianas!

"That's either a bug, or a man dressed up in a bug costume throwing himself against the window"

Railay beach is like the if song "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilara were a birthday present wrapped in rainbow sorbet given to you by the sun.

Wait...what?

It's really pretty. It's RAILAY pretty.
Fuck, I've been on vacation for too long.
I've lost it.

My ass is sunburned.

Kind of a honeymoon vibe here though. It's like honeymoon vs flamethrowing.
Sometimes it's just nice to watch CNN while the bugs flap themselves against the window. It's a nice sound to fall asleep to.

I guess we're gonna go to Phi Phi (pronounced like "pee pee")!!!

Jesus. Sorry.

haiku corner

mango sticky rice
your taste is not like dying
can you sleep with me?

mango sticky rice
whispering in the nightime
I gave birth to you.

Hookers On The Point
Took place in the South Bronx, right?
HBO wants in
It would be funny to see that
filming in Bangkok

John Mark Karr was here
Why is that the biggest deal?
Um, because it is!

Old white men hate me
in lovely Aisan city
I am a ghost here

I lost so much weight
in India. But now it's
like Large Marge sent me.

Bangkok Backgrounds

Why do we always arrive in a new country during a holiday that involves spraying people with water?

LET'S GET INTO IT!!!

Bangkok is:
Hookers
Old creepy white dudes who like little Asian girls
"Lady Boys" (boy/girl hookers)
The best food I've ever had in my life
100+ degrees
Water fights
Cover bands

Speaking of cover bands, this guy last night was singing the song Creep by Radiohead and he was Thai and he was all, "I'm a cweeeeep. I'm a withooooo." It was pretty good.

I also saw 2 dvds, one was called "Ultimate Guide to Awesome," and the other was called "Backgrounds."

Tune in later for haikus about rice.

momo's

We woke up at 330am to catch a ride to the highest point in the mountains to see the sun rise. Turns out the sun really does wear shades and make a kissy face just like the AIM icon! Who knew?
We also saw the top of Mt. Everest. Yukon Cornelius was there, he says hi.

There was also a big protest and strike in Darjeeling so before we got trapped, we fucking booked it super fast outta there and now we're going...


BACK TO CALCUTTA!
DON'T ASK.

I'll miss you Darjeeling. I loved your momo's by the road. I loved your tea.
You were kind of boring though.
Later!

Wait...

You think we came all this way to India without doing any research?!?!
Bitch please...

We watched:

-(India)ana Jones
-Bend It Like Beckham
-Harold and Kumar (only the scenes with Kumar)
-The new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Oompa Loompa factor)
-Top Chef
-Not Without My Daughter starring a young Sally Field (not India but close)
-We didn't watch The Darjeeling Lmtd. but we did see the AMEX commercial that Waris was in.
-We googled the word "India."
-We listened to 108 and Shelter

Kill it.

Tea Party

Hi.

Darjeeling is definitely the Max Fish of India, except that everyone here is decked out in Patagonia and hiker gear. I give the LES about 4 more months to catch on to that fashion wave.

It's really different from India, most people here are Tibetan or some other race that looks like a mix between Chinese and Indian. All the kids have the best uniforms. They sell a shit ton of basketball jerseys, Adidas, and old nightgowns. It's basically the old nightgown capitol of the world. YAY!

The bad news is that we're not going to Nepal. Don't start with me on this!
There's a strike at the border and they're not letting anyone in from April 10-12 (sketch) and every time we check google news there's another explosion (mega sketch). I know I'll make it to Nepal one day, but I'm not in the mood to die right now. We've been losing weight and hair and our minds due to all the stress in India, so we're bailing.

The good news is that we're going to Thailand on Friday!
We fly to Bangkok...where's the boom spot??

I wanna chew my bubblegum with you

Ok, so we were at Hare Krishna sleepaway camp. We then traveled 3 hours BACK to Calcutta (Children of Men meets Sally Struthers). We then went to the airport and waited another 3 hours for a plane to some fucking city, which took an hour. Not a bad flight though.
Then we took a car for 30 minutes to Siliguri to get to a Jeep. We piled into this Jeep with 12 other people and traveled for 3 hours up, up, up into the Himalayas (just the foothills mind you) to get to Darjeeling.

HOE-LEE SHIT BALLS!!!

I'm telling you, God literally lives here. LITERALLY. If not God then definitely Santa or the Care Bears. DUDE, SANTA!!!

On another note, I can't believe I thought I could survive this trip without an ipod. We're on buses, trains, planes, and rickshaws non stop. Music is totally my boyfriend now for reals. Thanks Cindy Greene.
This is a list of songs that me and Farber have latched onto for the past...20 days. Fuck. I've been gone for 20 days?!?!

Eye of the Tiger: Survivor
Berkley Pier: Tilt
Chesterfield King: Jawbreaker
Neutron Dance: Pointer Sisters
Rise Up With Fists: Jenny Lewis
Ditty: Paperboy
Goodbye Horses: Q Lazarus
The Real Janelle: Bratmobile
Web In Front: Archers of Loaf
Lori Meyers: NOFX
This Might Be Satire: Propagandhi
Picture: Sheryl Crowe and Kid Rock
Dance 10, Looks 3: A Chorus Line
Feet: Weston
Laura: Scissor Sisters
Lovin in my Baby's Eyes: Taj Mahal
I wanna Die: Jolie Holland
Deep Inside: Mary J
Jerk of all Trades: Lunachicks
Metal Heart: Cat Power
No Spiritual Surrender: Inside Out (!)
Hare Hare Krsna Krsna: Ariel Telford
Do You Think I'm Sexy: Revolting Cocks
Weak: SWV
Back 2 Life: Soul II Soul

(ps i miss ya'll)

Under the banner of heaven much?

For those of you who had any doubt as to whether or not Ariel was taking the whole Krishna thing seriously...

you can rest easy!

We are in a little place where the frogs are the size of my pinky nail, and if you're at all familiar with my hands, you know that means they're pretty fucking small. CUTE ALERT.

The hot goss around here was that there was a big snake in the road.

Later we're going to take a bath in the Ganges so that we'll be liberated from the cycle of birth and death.

SCORE.

"That guy might be cute if he wasn't wearing a dress."

On the street in Calcutta:
Garbage
Rats
Adorable puppies
A small boy gets hit with a coconut
Pantera (heard, not seen)
Holes
Fire
AIDS
Reebok stores
Rickshaws carried by goats but replace goats with shirtless men in skirts

Calcutta is like New York City after the apocalypse, and the only survivors are cab drivers. In other words: WTF?!?!

There is no sanitation department. There are no "departments" of any kind actually. There is nothing organized, this chaos, this garbage piled all over the street. The streets are all dug the fuck up so we walk betwixt random bricks and dust and gross men who wear high waisted pants. Surprisingly those have come a really long way in India.

Also, you can't smoke anywhere. (???)
Also, while I was walking down the street, I got raped!

(aka a man pinched my butt)

BUT STILL!!!!!!

My heart is crying!!!
My laughs are laughing.
The only home I have is myself.

OH THE HUMANITY.

Next level

Farber and I are reaching new levels in friendship.
Last night we talked aboout supermarkets. For a really long time.


This is what I looked like when her and I first became friends:


Reaching new levels of brain too.