the worst thing I could do

PLAGIARIZE!

"I watched a program on the BBC about dudes who have for real relationships with dolls.
My beard had lint in it from sitting on the carpet."
-Gavin McInnes


"I watched a program on the BBC about dudes who have for real relationships with dolls.
My jaw got rug burn from it dragging on the floor."
-Lesley Arfin


But I mean, it's just Gavin. Where did you think I learned how to write anyway?
Still, that's pretty bad.
I guess in my defense I'll say...

Good writers borrow, but great writers steal.

(another example of me plagiarising).

Is that even true?
Let's just say it is.

Thanks Oscar Wilde? And Gavin too.

What's up?

Oh, not that much.
The world's biggest dog happened (again).


Someone told me they thought this was REALLY funny.

I watched a program on the BBC about dudes who have for real relationships with dolls.
My jaw got rug burn from it dragging on the floor.


In other news, Michael sat like this:

Aaron ate like this:

Chrissy and Alex chilled like this:

Jen tried on my glasses like this:

I went out to eat with my prom date:

I had a meeting with the Jalouse girls who obviously have good taste in footwear (slippers and penny loafers? Yes please).


Also, Winnie had a birthday party at "Fuck That I'm Going To Santa's." The place is really just called Santa's but I'm sure you're familiar with the t-shirt that everyone was wearing like, 69 years before the place opened. Well, it's open now and it's mad legit.
Spencer even makes all the bartenders wear sequin vests. I was surprised they weren't wearing white overalls and flip-flops (Spencer's uniform, fyi).






I like this light. It's creepy and about the same size as my heart.


Oh shit. I just realized I'm like, a total hipster.

Sister Who?

A clown/tranny/nun???

Nothing wrong with that!

I LOVE the internet yo.

Look what I found

I found this while searching for some writing samples so I can apply for a job.
This is from the Village Voice from 1999.
Awwwww!


The Poison Ivy League
The Poison Ivy League
#1
70 Aspen Dr. Woodbury NY 11797

I picked up this zine last week at Tower Records and when I went up to pay for it, the cashier looked it over and declared it "not ours." Apparently, it had just been stuck there on the magazine shelf in an act of guerrilla zine distribution, and it was mine for free. After reading this amazing, sad, vitriolic, poetic collection of mostly college-related musings, it totally made sense that Lesley Arfin, the Long Island iced teen responsible for it, would go around the normal channels for getting this publication to the masses. Among the deliciously angst-ridden pieces was a depressingly right-on "Long Island A-Z," which included A for accents, P for Pat Benatar and X for X-rated strip joints. Also, the dreamy, pop-art-slang-filled "Why My Friends Are Rad" was in itself quite rad. But perhaps the most memorable part of Poison Ivy League (aside from some splendid color xeroxed portraiture on the cover) was its collection of apocalyptic recipes, including this one:

Anxiety Inducing Poison Cake

21 longwinded explanations

1 package Black Cat firecrackers

1 tub plain yogurt

2 lbs. assorted pre-prepared sushi from supermarket

1 bottle castor oil

2 big broken hearts

We were going to build a robot instead of doing this whole cooking thing. It was too hard to find the motor to make the robot's head spin, and we don't have any money. Our motto is "If Something Is Too Hard, You Should Quit." Today, for instance, Dustin was going to get out of bed. But, as we all know, gravity is a bitch. And what's so wrong with sleeping all day? Nothing. Another example: Jesse was meaning to "make sense" of his life, but he became very confused. So he stopped thinking all together. Now he's fine. Would you like to join us?

heal me!

Today the most awesome thing happened!

(note: never in my life could I have EVER imagined writing down the following sentence):

Today I went to the crystal healing store to get help with my 3rd Chakra and I totally almost got involved in a pyramid scheme!!!!!!

If there's anything in my life that I've ever wanted to happen (that hasn't happened already), it's to be propositioned to get in with a pyramid scheme!

This really sweet albeit naive and new age-y French woman was showing us a case of "healing scents." Literally it was a suitcase filled with those weird "scents" you can buy at Whole Foods.

As we were smelling them and trying them on, she continued to explain how we can buy a whole case and sell them ourselves (!!!!). "Yes," she says, "it works like a sort of pyramid, but not really." AMAZING.

As I started to die/laugh/OMG myself, she gets confused and seems to have no idea what the problem is. "The woman who sold me this case makes $1000 a week," she tells us.

We tried to explain to her that it's not really a business model that works, but she didn't understand. She only told us that we could come back whenever and decide. "Spend some time with the scents and let me know."

This was almost as good as someone trying to get me to join a cult.
I hope that happens (again) soon.

On a side note, crystals totally work.

To answer your question...

It was awesome.

What's Scarier?

In Bad Ronald he kills this chick accidentally. His mom locks him in a secret bathroom forever and then like, moves away. Another family moves in. He's still there. YIKES MUCH?!?!?!



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(starring Sarah Silverman)