Monday, March 31, 2008

getting stung by the african killer bee of we're having more fun now

We've been in Pushkar for about 4 or 5 days.
Pushkar is full of (a list by Allison Farber):
men in skirts
renaissance fair folk
flowy clothes
long white tunics
toe rings
side slung cloth bag
deep thoughts
pensive states
henna tats
elf doors
face jewelery
people who used to be white

The most annoying this is how white hippies here walk around barefoot. The streets are infested with disease people! It's not me exaggarating. The hippies try so hard to be part of the native culture which doesn't help anyone at all. In fact it's fucking self centered and makes things worse.
Whatever, I just bored myself.

Next we are going to visit our old friend ARIEL TELFORD, who some of you might remember from life moments such as seeing bands play in Long Island and being good buddies with Ben Van Dyke. We're flying to Calcutta and meeting up.

"I'm not sure if I just took a nap or had a heat stroke."

Sunday, March 30, 2008

This is where I am

So go easy ok?

PS: Who wants to pick us up from the airport? We'll be wearing white linens head to toe. We'll be suuuuuper chilled out and only answer to "Namaste."


Friday, March 28, 2008

Am I allowed to leave?

All India is:

Smells (like shit and every ingredient shit is made from).
Monkeys that want to attack
Rabid cows
Water that hurts when you look at it
Food that will kill your soul

"We're definitely in someone's house right now." (We were walking down the street)
"We totally just got involved in a gem scheme." (A man gave us a flower)

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Tough Tears

I got food poisoning! Or a parasite! Or both?
I also saw elephants walking down the street like whateves.
A monkey attacked Allison.
I puked for 12 hours and died.
Met a bunch of creepy people who turned out to be nice, and nice people who turned out to be creepy.

Let me also add that "travelers" are so gay. Backpackers and the like.
It's like this pissing contest for who can travel in worse conditions.
"Oh you're spending R300 a night? Wow, you're lucky!" (R300 is $8.50)
"Wait, you didn't sleep on the street yet and get Dysentery? I feel sorry for you mate." (They all say "mate").
"You haven't gotten eaten by a shark and died yet? Poor thing."

Since I'm recuperating from my death, we checked into an 8 million star hotel and I'm slowly making my way out of fetal. Plus I also scored these anti-nausea pills not yet approved for sale in USA. SCORE. Get ready to never vomit again friends!

*Interesting fact*: Rupees are also the currency used in Legend of Zelda.

Monday, March 24, 2008

I saw a monkey jerking off

So far India is like War of the Worlds meets a Benetton ad. It's weird that we've only been here for what...4 days? Because me and Alli are two huge JAPS, obviously out of our minds when we decided to come here, we've sort of developed our own vocab/definitions.

For example, When Alli says, "I just saw a man die," that actually translates into, "I saw a man fall off his motorcycle." Some others include:

I just got bit by a rabid dog= I saw a dog.

I got AIDS and Malaria= I may or may not have been bit by a mosquito.

$8 million dollars= any amount over 400 rupees (400 R= $10)

I got a tapeworm= I may or may not have come in contact with tap water.

I just got raped= a man looked at me.

I lost my passport= I left my passport at the hotel.

I just got SARS= someone nearby just coughed loudly.

A guy just robbed me= a man glimpsed at my bag.

In short, I have never in my life seen anything like what I've seen in the past whatever days, and the fact that I'm not shivering naked in a corner in fetal posish is a huge shocker. Sorry mom.

Today on the street in Agra we saw the following, all at the same time, traveling at about 8 million mph. No joke:
auto rickshaw
camel with swastika
child bathing
a man taking a shit

Saturday, March 22, 2008

So much missing

I've already lost mega lbs from all the anxiety I've been having.
In New Delhi there are literally 5 year old girls walking around barefoot with flies in their face, holding babies that are 1 second old asking you for something...anything I guess.
Also, we arrived on this holiday called Holi where people throw colored flour on each other and water balloons and get wasted in the street twenty-four sev.
That's awesome.
That didn't freak me the fuck out at all.

It's really hard not to try to guess what time it is in New York constantly or what people are doing but it's getting better.

In other news, last night I watched Ocean's 12 and I liked it!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

American Idol sucked last night

So really, I'll miss YOU the most.

You knew that all along anyway.

Monday, March 17, 2008


This is one million trillion per cent awesome times ten zillion.

Oh American Idol, I'll miss you the most.

Sunday, March 16, 2008


I won't be updating for a while, going away. Cindy threw me a Bon Voyage party and made chicken pot pies and gave me an ipod. I love her so hard. Bye Cinders!

Bye Jen! Bye Ben!

Bye Merksies!

Bye Billy!

Bye Biz!

Bye Emily and Gav!

Bye Gabe!
Bye Friends at a dinner table! Bye not pictured! (Judi, Michael, Carrie)

Bye Rafael!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

I love pickles so much I give them blow jobs.

Monday, March 10, 2008


My favorite cartoonist put me into her comic!!!!
Dreams that come true are awesome!!!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

I read this on the subway

Sorry if I'm being too emo philips.

If there is something to desire,
there will be something to regret.
If there is something to regret,
there will be something to recall.
If there is something to recall,
there was nothing to regret.
If there was nothing to regret,
there was nothing to desire.

29 years

Every girl wants to see something this when she walks into a room on her birthday.

Some people don't like getting trekking socks as gifts. Those people aren't me.

Head lamp? Yes please.

What would you say if someone made you a mini sculpture of you and your loved one? I didn't know either. Words don't even...

Ben took me out for a magical-musical filled evening. (My new glasses, RIP-we'll get to that in a second).

Afterwards, we decided we totally love New York.

This last picture was taken before I found out I lost my glasses and cried and left my party. All I can say is how sorry I am that I left. I don't know guys. I'm really going through it.

I'm hanging my head in shame.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Go Ask Arfin

I have a new column up on Street Carnage!

Saturday, March 1, 2008