Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I Feel Bad When I'm Mean

I think returning an item to a store without the reciept is one of the scariest things a person can do. It automatically puts me on the defense, I feel like a fucking lawyer except there are no laws it's just "being cool" or "being a total asshole-cunt."

I bought these boots, they weren't cheap but they were vintage. The soles were cracked but I didn't notice that til I got home. Then it was Christmas, so I waited.

I worked all day and thought about it. I thought, I'm gonna be so nice and "you catch more flies with honey." Stuff like that. And also, the girl at the store knows me, it's in my neighborhood. She's known me for years.

I started out really nice but then she kept doing that thing, you know that thing where the girl has her eyes closed but her mouth is sort of a smile and she's shaking her head like, "no. no. no." She said "don't make a scene Lesley." I wasn't making a scene, but after that, I wasn't not mean.

We came to an agreement that I had to settle with but it still leaves me feeling weird. When I act mean I feel very alone. And it's hard not to judge myself when I still think she's a fucking cunt and I wanna bash her head in, the "no. no. no." head.

But I guess I have to pick my battles and what do I really hate about it after all? The shoes or the not gettting what I want? The wishing it could have happened differently and not being able to change it? The fact that I get so angry over trivial matters?

When I'm mean it's not personal. It just means I haven't thunk things through. It most likely means I'm scared. I think, I'm gonna tell everyone she's a cunt! And then I think, I'm gonna move away and never talk to anyone again! Neither would work but

I'm sorry if sometimes I'm mean.