Thursday, June 17, 2010

stuff like this

I haven't updated in a while because I've been feeling extremely vulnerable. Overly emotional. Do you ever feel that way?

It's not so much depression or anxiety (right now) just a protective shield I need to use. It separates me from my friends, from other people, and from writing on my blog.

I don't feel lonely. I do cry when I watch Glee. I do cry a lot. I swear it's not because I'm a huge pussy. I'm not a huge pussy, just a regular one.

On July 1 I'm moving to LA for 2 months. So that's a thing.

Right now I really do wish I was able to write/talk/explain a lot but I'm just not ready. I feel ashamed when I get too emotional. I feel lame when I expose too much. It's like I'm almost too tough right now for my own good. I don't like it.

It's vulnerable. It feels fucking vulnerable. So I'm just gonna step away from my desk right now and walk down the street and let life happen the way it's supposed to happen so I can eventually make my way back to whatever the fuck it is I should be writing. With more clarity and less self conscious.

I have a deeply inner sad "I'm fucked" feeling, but on the flip-side I'm pretty sure that's the feeling that happens before things get good.

Ugh sometimes I just hate myself.